Conflict amongst parents and the effect on child

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When the woman is fighting the man, and vice-versa, then it becomes immaterial to both of them as to what is happening to the child. The woman has to win, the man has to win. And in the process of winning that petty battle, what is happening to the kid, becomes insignificant.

When you are fighting, you become very-very self-centered. Extremely selfish. When you are fighting, then ego is aroused to unimaginable levels. You forget all about anybody else. In the moment of aggressive excitement, you are totally yourself, you are totally the little self, you are totally the petty ego. And then the other’s welfare, the other’s concern, cease to matter.

The child has the company of the man and the woman. The man and the woman, constitute, let’s say fifty to eighty percent of the child’s company. Except for the neighboring playground, and the school he/she goes to, who is the one who provides him/her company? These two, the man and the woman.

So, it is these two that he principally got for company. And now imagine, if you are in the company of people who are always fighting, what effect will it have on your mind?

It’s a double calamity upon the child:

  1. Company that the child bears
  2. Issue of identification

First thing is of company. Next is of, identification. Not only is the kid in bad company, he is deeply identified with these two quarreling people.

One is his or her mother; the other is his or her father. And what does identification mean? I am — that. This is what identification says, right? That am I. In the heated moment of the quarrel, what is the mother? The mother is pure aggression. What is the father? The father is pure hatred. And the kid is saying, “That am I,” because the kid is identified with the father and the mother.

So what does the kid become? Aggression and hatred. And the mother and the father will not even realise it. They will say, “We were fighting. We didn’t do anything to the kid as such.” You did do, and you did a lot. You destroyed the kid.

So what’s the solution? Must both separate-out and take a divorce to avoid any such impact on the kid? No.

Separation does not transform the ego. Divorce is not enlightenment. Divorce, and separation, are obviously not the solution. Solution lies in basic, inner transformation.

And that inner transformation will become easier, if the parents see that they have some love for the kid. The important thing is to realise that it is not for no reason, that most of the world’s population, is already distorted, by the time it reaches adolescence.

By the time a boy or a girl reaches seventeen, there is ninety-five percent chance that he or she is already a very difficult case, almost beyond redemption. Such is the distortion of psyche, that happens due to a bad childhood.

In fact, if there is one unpardonable crime, it is bad parenting.

You are not even killing someone. You are disfiguring someone, and sentencing him, to live an entire life. How does it sound?

Parents do not just emerge from some dark caves. Young people like you, like so many others, become parents. And the same darkness that engulfs our lives, becomes the darkness that surrounds the child as well. You won’t even know when you become a parent. It just happens.

Parents are not a separate ethnic community or something. Their DNA is not different. They do not live in separate countries reserved for parents. It is a matter of time. And if you do not know yourself, you will also not know your child.

A parent is first and foremost a person. And the person is responsible to first of all, discover the Truth for himself. And if you have not done that, then you will fail in all your roles in life. You will fail in your role as a husband, as a parent, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend, as a member of community, you will fail in everything.

The man whose mind is not in the proper place cannot be a good anything. He cannot be even a good idiot. He cannot be a good painter and an artist, he cannot be a good sportsperson, he cannot be a good dancer, he cannot be a good anything. How will he then be a good parent?

Being a good teacher and being a good parent are so much one and the same thing. If you can’t be a good parent how will you be a good teacher and if you are not a good teacher, how is it possible that you will be a good parent?

And both of them stem from first of all ‘being good’. Let that goodness prevail, let that goodness dominate your life. Then you will be a good everything. Then even your gossiping would be good. You would be a good idler and so on.

Lastly, there is no bigger curse than being a mother/father and no higher blessing than being a mother/father.

It depends on you.

Remember, the right action comes only from a right mind.

Set the mind right.

Author and Vedanta Teacher | acharyaprashant.org